You read it right. I have been weighed, but have been found wanting. In simple and non-metaphoric terms, I failed Criminal Law I. Putang ina. Maybe I should not have hoped or should not have believed in superearthly hopes that I would make it. Perhaps it would have made it easier for me to accept the fact that, for the first time in my 18-year-academic life, I failed a subject. Putang ina. Napasa ko nga ang Math 17 e. (okay, I took a removal test- but the point is, I passed the goddamn subject!).
I thought I already prepared myself for the possibility of failing the subject. I was wrong. I guess nothing really beats receiving your grade personally and then learning that you failed. I was flooded with an assortment of emotions. I am frustrated that I failed to meet, not others’, but my own expectations. I never really thought that I would fail a subject in my first semester. I never really thought that despite the time and effort that I had poured into the subject, I was just going to fail it. I am ashamed that by failing a subject, I wasted my parents’ hard-earned money. I am angry that nothing seems to work in all the endeavors that I take.
My initial reaction was not to enroll. Sabi ko, ayokong pagkakitaan lang ako ng putang-inang eskuwelahan ko tapos ay sipain matapos ang first year. I went home to think things over, discuss them with my parents and weigh my options. Bago umuwi e naglunch muna ako kasama ang dalawang kaibigan na kapareho ko rin ang kapalaran. Siyempre, ang kinain ko na naman ay Crispy Noodles at Siomai ng Chowking (adik na adik kasi ako sa Crispy Noodles).
Should I enroll? Or should I transfer in another school, repeat first year and begin with a clean slate. I figured that the latter option would be more costly and impractical, and so I decided to enroll for the second semester. I guess I am just too stubborn and hardheaded to let go of things without a fight. Kung hindi talaga ako para sa eskuwelahang iyon, e di hindi. I just hope that this second semester, I would be able to redeem myself and regain that lost self-esteem and pride. İ Prometo, voy a levantarse!
